One thing that keeps people from starting counseling is the idea of sharing all their deepest, darkest thoughts with a complete stranger. Not only is that an intimidating idea, but it can also feel really uncomfortable to navigate a relationship that is so different from the connections of our everyday lives.
Knowing what you can ask, say, and do in counseling will help you feel more at ease and in control of what happens during therapy! Here’s my top 10 list:.
1.) Share your story gradually and over time
Although the counseling relationship is unique, it’s still a relationship that’s built on trust and understanding (which doesn’t happen overnight). Don’t feel like you need to tell your counselor everything on day one or summarize your entire life in a single session. These things take time! Some people prefer to share parts of their story later because it’s too painful or uncomfortable—that’s OK too. The key is to listen to your gut and communicate with your counselor. That being said…
2.) Tell your counselor if you feel uncomfortable
If you notice discomfort while discussing something specific, tell your counselor. This will inform them that it would be helpful to take more time or a different approach when talking about that subject.
3.) Tell your counselor if you don’t like what’s happening in counseling
Counseling is not a one-size-fits-all experience. The techniques, strategies, and recommendations your counselor makes might be extremely helpful in theory, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right for you. If, for example, you notice that you aren’t into that deep breathing exercise they suggested (especially after you’ve given it your best shot), then let them know. This information can help your counselor identify strategies that are better suited to you.
4.) It’s okay to say, “I don’t know”
It can be tough to talk about our feelings, thoughts, and experiences simply because we’ve never had to put them into words before. Counseling is not a test—it’s ok to not know the answer—sometimes the whole point of counseling is to figure out why and how something is the way it is. Telling your counselor when this happens can help you both slow down and work together to articulate your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
5.) Yes, you can talk about THAT too…
…because it’s all related! People often think that because they were going to counseling to resolve one specific thing (e.g. anxiety) that they can’t talk about something else that’s going on in their lives (e.g. looking for a job). It’s actually helpful to mention the things that feel important to you, even if you don’t think it’s connected to the reason you went to counseling in the first place. More likely than not, all the things on your mind are related. I can’t think of anything that’s off limits to talk about in counseling…and if it is…trust me, your counselor will let you know.
6.) Talk to your counselor about where you come from
You are more than what’s ailing you! Your identity, cultural background, spiritual beliefs, values, and unique experiences are important for making sense of what’s happening to you and deciding the best approach in therapy. On that note, you can also…
7.) Ask your counselor about THEIR identity, cultural background, values, and beliefs
It can be helpful to know who your counselor is and what informs their work with you. Counselors (especially culturally competent ones) will invite these conversations and find them valuable. Don’t be surprised if your counselor asks you why knowing this is important to you—just be honest—it’s part of building a solid relationship with your counselor and getting to know yourself in relation to other people.
8.) Ask: What are your thoughts/reactions to what I’ve said?
If your idea of counseling involves someone reclined on a couch talking to a therapist while they stare stoically into the distance, then you're not alone! It’s a common image that’s circulated in our culture but more often than not, counseling is an active and collaborative process (and people sitting rather than laying on the couch!). If you find yourself feeling like you aren’t getting much feedback from your counselor—don’t hesitate to ask them what their thoughts and reactions are to what you’ve said. Don’t worry, they won’t be offended. Not only will it help you get clearer on what’s bothering you, it’ll also help your counselor learn your preferences for more input and feedback during sessions.
9.) Ask: Why did you say or suggest that?
Like in #8, you can ask your counselor why they’re saying or doing something in session. E.g. “Why did you suggest that I talk to my girlfriend about this?” Understanding the rationale behind how your counselor works will help you make better sense of what’s happening in counseling and whether a particular treatment approach is working for you. On that note, don’t hesitate to disagree with your counselor, e.g.: “I don’t think that recommendation would work for me…” Or, “No, that’s not exactly what I meant…what I actually feel is…” Again, your counselor won’t be offended. It’s more important that they know your thoughts, feelings, and personality so they can adjust and tailor treatment to your needs.
10.) Can you help me find someone else to work with?
The assumption is that if you end up asking questions 1 through 9, you’ll have a better experience in counseling and with your counselor. But that might not happen; sometimes it’s just not a good fit. If you aren’t vibing with your counselor, you can ask them to help you find a better match. Counselors know and expect that they might not be the best fit for everyone.
I hope this gives you the tools needed to have a great experience with a therapist in Austin. If you still have questions about whether something is OK to say, ask, or do in counseling, call me at (512) 586-7001 and I’d be happy to help answer your questions or direct you to the right person. If you’re looking for help with relationships, cultural identity, and self-esteem, you can schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation or read more about how I can help.
Last updated: August 18, 2020