Did you know that 1 in 4 Texans are estimated to have a mental illness? Think of all the busy places you’ve been this summer—that’s 25% of the people swimming in Barton Springs Pool or ¼ of the people shopping at the Houston Galleria. And even though it’s THAT common, we struggle to talk about it because our Facebook feed deceptively makes us think that everyone is having a blast without any of the heartache.
So, it’s no wonder you’re struggling to find the words—there aren’t any good examples out there of how to talk to loved ones about counseling. I’m here to walk you through it and have you sharing your truth, confidently and successfully, in no time.
PART ONE: START BY ASKING YOURSELF SOME IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
1. Why do you want others to know?
Having a good reason will help you clarify exactly what to say and how to say it.
SOME GOOD REASONS TO DISCLOSE:
You really trust that person and feel that it will bring you closer to them.
You’d like that person to emotionally support you through this tough time.
You want to encourage that other person to go to counseling too.
AND SOME BAD REASONS:
You secretly want them to feel badly—like trying to prove a point to your ex that they hurt you after a breakup—bad idea.
You feel forced, like the other person will abandon you if you don’t share this info.
You think it’s their right to know. Truth is, it’s your private info and you have the power to decide how much and with whom to share.
You think they’ll find out eventually. Unless you’re using your parent’s insurance or your roommate knows your exact schedule, there’s a slim chance that anyone will find out you’re in counseling. Your counselor will NEVER disclose anything without your permission, to anyone, unless you’re in immediate danger to yourself or others (e.g., they call an ambulance for you because you fainted while in session).
2. How do you think that person will respond?
Ideally, sharing your counseling experience with someone should be beneficial to YOU in some way. Considering how the person will handle the news may help you determine whether it’s worth the effort.
SOME BAD SIGNS:
They’ve become defensive, angry, or irrationally worried when you’ve shared personal information in the past.
They’ve blackmailed you or asked you to do favors in return for keeping your personal information private.
They regularly gossip and share personal information that others have asked them to keep private.
They typically avoid or have expressed negative attitudes about mental health in the past.
SOME GOOD SIGNS:
They’ve demonstrated interest in your well-being by calling, checking in on you, asking how you’re doing, offering help, offering advice, being available, etc.
They are supportive of others who are struggling emotionally.
They have demonstrated or expressed positive and supportive views about mental health.
They take people’s concerns seriously and are invested in helping others.
They are trustworthy, respect people’s boundaries, and are considerate of others.
TAKEAWAY: Don’t let the fear of being judged or pitied by others deter you from sharing. Take a moment to consider the evidence that someone might respond in either a helpful or unhelpful way.
3. Why now?
Sure, you can tell them right now, but you can also wait a few months or even until after treatment is completed. The point is that you have options. Consider when would be the best time for YOU and what’s helpful about the time you’ve chosen.
PART TWO: HOW TO SAY IT CONFIDENTLY
After you’ve thought through some important questions (see Part 1), it’s time to talk to your loved one. Here are some tips to help you enter the conversation feeling confident and prepared.
1. Have an Ideal Outcome in Mind
What would it look like if everything were to go perfectly?? What would you ideally want the other person to say/do? This’ll help you steer the conversation in the direction that is best suited to you. Afterwards, you can use this to evaluate if things went as you’d hoped.
2. Write it Down
Jot down what you’d like to say. This will help you organize your thoughts and perfect what you want to say. Things you might want to include in your notes: 1) The reasons why you’re sharing this news 2) What you want or need them to say/do and 3) Specific ways you’d like for them to support you.
Ex: “I’ve been struggling emotionally and going to counseling to try and work things out. I wanted you to know so that you understand that I have not been distant because of anything you’ve done. I might need you to be more proactive about asking me to hang out until I get my motivation back up.”
3. Practice makes Perfect!
If you practice ahead of time, you’re less likely to fumble in the heat of the moment.
Here are some ways to practice:
Say it out loud to yourself
Practice your spiel in the mirror
Role-play the conversation with your counselor
4. Wait for a Natural Opening
Although not necessary, weaving the topic into a conversation you’re already having will make it feel much more natural to you and the other person. Ex: During dinner—“I’ve been meaning to tell you about the reason why I’ve been terrible at answering my phone lately…I haven’t been feeling too well and I started seeing a counselor….
Scheduling a separate conversation can create anxiety for both parties. Imagine how much anticipation there’d be if you said something like, “I want to talk to you about something important next week.” By the time the conversation rolls around, you’ll both be so tense that any flicker of confidence you had will fly out the window.
5. Resist the Urge to Over-Explain, Over-Divulge, or Downplay
Telling someone you’ve been in counseling can sometimes open a door to a deeper conversation about how and why you have been struggling emotionally. If you’d like to have that discussion, then great…Otherwise, you’ll want to set some boundaries and practice expressing them (see step #3). Also, resist the urge to downplay or justify your current struggles. You don’t need to be apologetic about your current circumstances. You’re already doing everything in your power to make it better, especially by going to counseling.
6. You Don’t Need to Comfort the Other Person
You’re the one hurting, remember? Some people take things personally or worry that it’s their fault (parents are often guilty of this). It’s absolutely OK to let the person know that they shouldn’t worry, but if they still need more reassurance, you might want to encourage them to talk to someone other than you about how they might be coping (or not coping) with the news.
7. Be Prepared to Describe How You Want to Be Supported
The natural response when someone says they’re hurting is, “How can I help?” Practice giving a genuine answer to this question. Even saying something like, “Just being here with me and listening is enough” will help put the other person at ease. This is your opportunity to share with them what you need—don’t waste it—having positive sources of support can help you recover more quickly from depression and anxiety.
8. Maintain Contact and Communication
Once you’ve shared the news, don’t fall off the map. People will get concerned if you stop answering calls texts. Stay connected and keep people posted on how you’re doing. Don’t be surprised if they overdo the pampering at first…it’ll take some time for them to realize that you’re still the same person, and that being supportive doesn’t have to mean calling you every 5 minutes. Be patient and vocal about what you need (see step #7).
PART THREE: FINAL CONSIDERATIONS
1. Your Loved One Might Need Time to Process
We all react to things differently. Some people might be immediately responsive and supportive and others might be stunned and need time to process. Don’t take it personally…give that person time to come around to the idea of you being in counseling. Hell, it likely took you weeks, months, or years to wrap your mind around the idea yourself—it won’t be much different for them.
2. Give Your Friends & Family Resources to Help Them Understand
Some people come from cultural backgrounds where mental health is simply not a topic of discussion. Add stigma and fear to the mix and you get folx who might be afraid or simply unclear about what constitutes depression, or the exact symptoms of anxiety, or the ways in which counseling works. Having resources and helpful materials for them to read might be a great way to bring them up to speed. Ask your counselor for help with this, they’ll likely have lots of stuff on hand.
Well, there you have it. Now go forth and share, share, share! Hope this helps you feel more confident talking with loved ones about your mental health. I’d love to hear about your experiences and whether these tips worked for you. If you’d like a bit more guidance about how to talk to people about counseling or have questions, feel free to call at (512) 586-7001. I’m happy to help where I can. If you’re looking for help with depression, anxiety, and confidence, learn more about my services here or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today.
Last updated: September 3, 2020